Membership Decline Linked to Climate Change

Satyre Point, FL – In an unprecedented scientific study of the Craft, Masonic Scientists have concluded that Climate Change is the cause of declining membership worldwide.   Masonic experts from diverse fields came together recently for a Masonic Summit organized with the intent to discuss the epidemic problem that has plagued the Society for over half a century.


Figure 1 - Data Correlations

Summit spokesman, Brother Sol Speaks, was interviewed during the stormy summit and had these comments to share.  “Since 1959, it is quite clear from the collected data, the Craft has been losing more members than it can bring in.”  He goes on to say that “Up until now, the reasons behind this decline that were provided by some well-intentioned ad hoc committees actually misled the Craft in making efforts to combat the losses.”  

And Sol has good reason to say this. “We’ve mistakenly focused on making things easier to join and to remain members.  Lessening entrance requirements, one-day-classes, and reduced proficiencies were tried.  The results were catastrophic!  Not only were these counter-productive, but they actually undermined what we needed to continue.” (see Figure 1 - Data Correlations)

One of the adjunct consultants hired by Summit organizers, meteorologist Heather Curl, had this to add.  “When you run the numbers, it becomes obvious from the plotted data that the rise in greenhouse gases coincides with the information on membership losses.  Without question, the overlaid charts show a continuous and startling correlation between the two.”

Another Craft member, G.I. Tract Specialist and contributing summit speaker, Brother Colin Bleau, furthered the insights into contributing factors.  “We’ve actually caused it ourselves.  The sheer volume of greenhouse gasses generated by our well-known chili cook off fund raisers and baked bean style dinners far exceeds anything with which the government has instruments to monitor.  They can’t even begin to calculate the carbon footprint that any one specific lodge contributes.”  The specialist looked uncomfortable but continued, “And therein lies part of the problem.  We can’t get funding for proper instrumentation to properly prepare our investigation committees without having more cook offs.” 

It was Brother Brad Scent that offered  final committee recommendations at the end of the summit that most upset many within the body of attending Brothers.  “We must immediately tighten the emissions requirements for incoming Brothers.  This is undoubtedly a good but difficult start, at least until this specific contributing factor is contained.”  He added, “In the meantime, we recommend that all lodges immediately convert to using open flame tapers within lodge to help counteract and stabilize the overwhelming emissions of greenhouse gasses from already well-established members.  We’re hoping this will lower the carbon footprint of each lodge overall.” 

And before he shared the following, he took a deep breath and leaked this other insight under low breath. “We’re also hoping this will be a positive change for our current membership and those who wish to come back into the organization.  You can expect membership decline to stabilize and potentially reverse once the climate changes within each Lodge stop shifting so dramatically from moment to moment.”

Some upset attending members where heard to say, “This truly stinks.  It's not how we handled it in my year.”  Although clearly within earshot, no overheard complaining Brother wanted to be quoted for the record or offer better solutions.

Those interested in helping support this initiative or who find themselves fuming over this issue are asked to contact Brother Cainem Realwell on what you can further do to more effectively deal with this growing concern.

Respectfully, Fraternally and Sincerely (with deepest apologies to that Past Bastard who inspired all this folly),

Coach John S. Nagy