Grand Lodge Givin' the Bird... NOT!

Gobbler Gulch – In a long awaited, albeit “belated” for Thanksgiving, announcement made for the Grand Lodge by the Organization's Supreme Commander of Festivities, it was made quite clear that the society, known for its generosity, good will and charity, was continuing its long standing policy of not giving away any of its turkeys this Thanksgiving season. 

“We had to take a strong stand and not allow our much loved Craft turkeys to be subjected to any more basting than we ourselves would do to them,” said Grand Line officer Brother Chick N. Hider.  “After all, they're like family.”

The news was received badly and much to the chagrin of many of its outstanding and much involved members. “We can’t just sit still and allow so many of our turkeys to remain in safe harbor”, complained long time member Bro. Chop M. Wellman.  “We coddle them far too much and for far too long”. He shook his head and added, “And we do so in ways that prevent them from suffering what nature truly intended for them.”

Brother Char N. Smokem agreed and added, “These birds are definitely not part of our society, no matter how we want to label and treat them."  He continued, "They deserve a roasting befit them.  What's more, there are plenty of Brothers who would gladly volunteer to dress them down if given half the chance.”

“We could definitely afford to let go of a lot more turkeys than we do”, sneered one past master, who asked not to be identified. “The Craft suffers far too much for allowing so many of these Craft turkeys to go uncut for far too long.”

When asked if any changes to the Craft turkey policy should include additional considerations, Brother Burn Oinkment had this to say, “We considered swapping some of the Craft turkeys out with our lesser talented Craft hams in our holiday give away plans, but we honestly got overwhelmed by the sheer magnitude of possibilities.”

It was expressed by many of those present at the announcement that the Grand Lodge itself needs to step in and make a significant change to the society’s well-established turkey policies. 

Unfortunately, most of the Brothers who have already made earnest effort to do so where themselves summarily divested and in ways that not even turkeys should suffer. 

For more about this egregious turkey situation, please contact the appropriate parties and ask about “Turkeygate”.

Fraternally and Sincerely,

Brother John S. Nagy