A Brother Asks: How to "Manage" a Scared Wife?

A Brother Asks*:  Coach, I come from a long line of Freemasons. I wish to take my Masonic career further and believe that my wife needs to be on board with it. Unfortunately, my now wife has withdrawn her support of my furthering my Craft involvement, due to some conspiracy web site's claims that the Craft is a "marriage wrecking ball".  Coach!  Conspiracy theories have got the better of her and her curiosity has driven her to the darkest corners of the internet, and lack of Craft support is the end result. What can I do about it?

Coach:  Have you tried talking with her about the nonsense and rubbish on the web designed to deliberately create fear?

Brother: Yes.  I've read this material and tried to talk her through it, but alas, she's under the impression that the Craft is a sinister organization that's hiding all sorts of dark secrets and practices. What's worse, despite my best efforts she won't allow me to show her the truth of the matter. She's taken a hard line position.  She refuses to attend any functions.  She refuses to speak with other masons. She's also convinced it changes people for the worse. She pointed out that one member who was raised around the same time I was had a nervous breakdown.  I tried to tell her that this was from the constant finger pointing that goes on in every conspiracy theory circle, but that only made things worse.  "It's always the masons to blame!" she said! It's got her worried sick and me backed into a corner.
 
Coach: Unfortunately, this does happen and it usually occurs when a person is fear based, misinformed and desires to enjoy the benefits brought about by all those individuals who will step in line to rescue and support that person's need to be fearful.  In other words, fear is used by individuals who want to control others who desire to fix fears that cannot be fixed by any legitimate outside source, including the people trying to help!  It's an inside out job!  It's an insane strategy though and it is employed very effectively upon unsuspecting and naïve individuals to control them and pull them into games that support further control.

Brother: If I have to choose between her and the craft of course she'll win.

Coach: Good!  As it should be.

Brother: Clearly I can't give up on my wife but I'd hate to have to turn my back on my family legacy. 

Coach: Well understood too!

Brother: She's said she's ok with me staying in the blue lodge but said it would break her heart if I went further. I wish to follow my father and his before him but I risk breaking her heart and I can't do that.   Coach!  I'm clutching at straws here but I was wondering if anyone you know has had a similar experience? If so how did you manage it? 

Coach:  (DISCLAIMER: I am not a licensed counselor or a mental health professional!  Keep this in mind as you read further.) First off, you are not alone in your struggle.  You're involved in a game that played in many relationships. 

Brother: It is?

Coach: Yes. It is.  That being said, you may not want to read this. Be prepared for major bluntness... and brace yourself:
 

There are bigger problems here than the organization that you are thinking of moving up within and the troubles you face are not related to your organizational involvements.​

 
How do you manage this?

Short Version: Just Stop Trying To! You can't and won't "fix" your wife. The more you try, the less that you'll have a healthy marriage. 

Long Version: You're making her problems your problems; Don't do this!  She has you in fear as a result because you believe your further involvement in Freemasonry threatens your relationship and marriage; It Doesn't! She is threatening your relationship, but she is engaged in a bait and switch with you and wants you to believe that Freemasonry is the problem; It Isn't!

Consider the following "possibilities":

1. She is scared because she has chosen to be scared; nothing you do can change that so stop trying to fix her. 
•  Be aware that she may be unknowingly wanting you to play the fix it game and use your disinterest to get angry with you if you don't play along.
2. She has got a bigger problem and it's not fear; it's a control issue. 
•  Be aware that she may be oblivious to this or deny it because it undermines her game.
3. She has power over you by expressing this fear, knows it and it is being used to manipulate you and your relationship. 
•  Be aware that she may not understand why she is doing all this but this does not make it any less real or controlling.
4. She is also telling you in a very subversive and underhanded way that she DOES NOT TRUST YOU OR YOUR JUDGEMENT. If she did, she would not have this insanity polluting your relationship. 
•  Be aware that this is foundationally the biggest issue of all, that she may have no clue that she is sending you this message of mistrust and that when confronted she will likely deny or try to minimize it.
5. She is lying to you (and likely to herself) about her being "okay with [you] staying...". 
• Don't buy into it, but be aware she may be incapable of seeing the truth due to her upbringing and surrounding dysfunctional support system.

You would do well to explore The Drama Triangle should you want to not get pulled into it ad nausea!

1. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karpman_drama_triangle
2. http://www.johngouletmft.com/Breaking_The_Drama_Triangle_Newest.pdf

BTW - The brother who snapped and had a nervous breakdown: That was going to occur whether he joined Freemasonry (or any other organization), or not. He was a volatile bomb with a hair trigger ready for the right conditions to go off. All the signs were there and it is a shame he made it through the West Gate. Those who guarded it did not know what they were doing.

You have some serious things to consider here, and they are not related to Freemasonry.  Your organizational involvement is merely a focal point.  I'm glad that you chose her over the Craft.  You have you priorities straight.  You also have a tremendous challenge ahead of you for the issues here are not related to Craft involvements at all. They are related to deep seated trust and control issues that would have likely showed up regardless of what organization you belonged to.

I wish you and your wife well!

F&S,

Coach John S Nagy
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(*This conversation represents a composite of many chats between myself and Brothers and clients alike.)