Gobbler Gulch – In a long awaited, albeit “belated”
for Thanksgiving, announcement made for the Grand Lodge by the Organization's Supreme Commander
of Festivities, it was made quite clear that the society,
known for its generosity, good will and charity, was continuing its long
standing policy of not giving away any of its turkeys this Thanksgiving season.
“We had
to take a strong stand and not allow our much loved Craft turkeys to be
subjected to any more basting than we ourselves would do to them,” said Grand
Line officer Brother Chick N. Hider. “After
all, they're like family.”
The news
was received badly and much to the chagrin of many of its outstanding and much
involved members. “We can’t just sit still and allow so many of our turkeys to
remain in safe harbor”, complained long time member Bro. Chop M. Wellman. “We coddle them far too much and for far too long”.
He shook his head and added, “And we do so in ways that prevent them from
suffering what nature truly intended for them.”
Brother
Char N. Smokem agreed and added, “These birds are definitely not part of our
society, no matter how we want to label and treat them." He continued, "They deserve a roasting befit them. What's more, there are plenty of Brothers who would gladly volunteer to
dress them down if given half the chance.”
“We
could definitely afford to let go of a lot more turkeys than we do”, sneered one past
master, who asked not to be identified. “The Craft suffers far too much for allowing so many
of these Craft turkeys to go uncut for far too long.”
When
asked if any changes to the Craft turkey policy should include additional
considerations, Brother Burn Oinkment had this to say, “We considered swapping some of the Craft turkeys out with our lesser talented Craft hams in our
holiday give away plans, but we honestly got overwhelmed by the sheer magnitude
of possibilities.”It was expressed by many of those present at the announcement that the Grand Lodge itself needs to step in and make a significant change to the society’s well-established turkey policies.
Unfortunately, most of the Brothers who have already made earnest effort to do so where themselves summarily divested and in ways that not even turkeys should suffer.
For more about this egregious turkey situation, please contact the appropriate parties and ask about “Turkeygate”.
Fraternally and Sincerely,
Brother
John S. Nagy
