FILED UNDER: What Makes a Mason

Brother: What makes you a Mason?

Coach: Yes.

Brother: What?

Coach: Exactly.

Brother: But I want to know what.

Coach: Then you have to join.

Brother: Join what?

Coach: Yes! That’s the action you have to take.

Brother: What is the action?

Coach: Yes, and furthermore, what is the direction as well.

Brother: What are you talking about?

Coach: I’m talking about what.

Brother: THAT’S WHAT I’M TRYING TO FIGURE OUT!

Coach: Then you have join what to understand.

Brother: To understand what?

Coach: Yes, but only if you want to know what.

Brother: To know what?

Coach: Yes.

Brother: What is it that I must join?

Coach: Of course.

Brother: What is this thing I need to know?

Coach: Now you got it!

Brother: You know what?

Coach: Yes.

Brother: But I haven’t even told you what?

Coach: Yes, I know. But I still know what.

Brother: How do you know what?

Coach: I’m a Mason, what makes me so.

Brother: “So” as in “I’m SO confused!”

Coach: About what?

Brother: YES!!!!

Coach: I see. You’re not alone in this.

Brother: In what?

Coach: Indeed!

Brother: But what makes you a Mason?

Coach: Now you got it!

FILED UNDER: Adapting Ritual to the Times

Adaptive Freemasonry... 

--------------------------------
...from the pass bump of a Coronacraft to a real bump of the same!
--------------------------------

What is this?
A bump.

A bump of what?
The pass bump of a quarantined Brother.
 
Has it a name?
It has.
 
Give it me.
I will not so receive it neither shall I so impart it.
 
How will you dispose of it?
I will syllable it.
 
Syllable it and begin...
Begin you...
 
Nay, you begin...
Ro...
 
Co...
Na...
 
Co-Ro-Na...  How is it denoted?
Congestion
 
How represented?
By a sheet of cloth hanging over the mouth and nose.
 
How was it originated?
By the eating of bats in a marketplace in the East.
 
How will it be passed?
By unbrotherly handshakes of any coughing Brother.

Right! Arise, and go wash thy hands. AMEN!
(Brothers All) So Mask it Be!
 
-- Coach John S Nagy

(Hat tip to Bros. Mahmoud Mawass‎, Louie Trocio & Doug Rutley)

Grand Lodge Innovation Solves Problem Plaguing Craft

 



Freemasonic Beehive



Buttsworth Vermont – In an unprecedented move unheard of throughout any recorded Freemasonic history, a Grand Lodge has made an innovation to the Craft that shall impact Freemasonry long into its future. 

Grand Lodge spokesman, Hiram Boca had this to say, “The problem has been growing since the decline in attendance that occurred shortly after the membership peak in 1959.  With attrition taking a toll on meeting attendance, it was clear from even a cursory view that we were not having an impact on solving this problem through any corrective action we have taken so far.”

What’s the problem you might ask?  Seeking to interview some objective observers, the Grand Lodge sought out non-members who support the organization.  They came across Constance Whiner, a member of an auxiliary Freemasonic organization, to provide an outsider' view.  According to Grand Lodge sources, she had this to say, “Oh dear!  It’s truly not my place to make comment on the goings on behind that huge guarded door. But I can tell you there’s a lot of complaining from the old timers coming out of meetings who shake their heads complaining about empty seats needing to be filled.   I can only imagine that they see this as a problem.”

And she appears to be in sync with what the Grand Lodge found coming from interviews with actual members.  According to their research, without fail, each member they interviewed focused on the same issue, “Empty Seat and how to fill them”. 

With volumes of growing evidence provided to them by the secretaries of each lodge within their jurisdiction, it was clear that the attendance numbers have declined since 1959 and that seats not being filled by members are at an all time high. 

And according to the Grand Lodge, Lodge secretaries are extremely frustrated with this.  “We simply don’t have enough members attending to fill the chairs and the problem is getting worse each year!” exclaimed lodge secretary Brig M. Inn. “No matter how many letters we send out, phone calls we make or verbal pleas we make to those who do attend, the empty seat numbers continue to mount.  Obviously we need to send more letters, make more calls and convince those who do attend to get out there to talk to those members who don’t attend or even approach past members and ask them to rejoin!”

With all the data coming in, the Grand Lodge decided it was time to do something that was not done before in anyone else's year.  They decided to reexamine the problem to see if it truly was a problem.  Their conclusions were shocking!

The first and most important of their conclusions was that the “empty seats”, so commonly focused upon and pointed out by whining members, was not really a problem. 
 
What was the actual problem? 
 
Grand Master Most Worshipful Brother Kean N. Cite had this to say, “We found that the overwhelming problem existing in almost every single one of our lodges was that there were far too many chairs provided that were not required for any proper functioning lodge."  He continued,  "With the reduction in membership, the continual and unnecessary inclusion of far too many chairs actually took away from the intimacy and fellowship that should occur had the distances between Brothers attending been reduced in tandem with reduced membership." He hung his head and said with an embarrassing tone, "They actually got in the way and distracted us from doing the work we need to be focusing upon when we come together.”

What was the innovative solution provided by the Grand Lodge?  Remove the unoccupied chairs, reduce the distances between the remaining chairs and enjoy the closeness that Brothers should have been enjoying all along.

Most Worshipful Brother Kean had this to add, “Implementation of this solution has already transformed many of our lodges toward the better.  We see more fellowship, less complaining and a whole heck of a lot more positive communications coming from attended meetings.  Brothers are actually enjoying the change." 
 
He smiled and then shared this with excitement, "Many of the Lodges have even downsized their meeting spaces, reduced overhead and the stresses that come from being burdened by the decisions of previous generations.  We certainly look forward to even more positive outcomes as a result of this innovation being implemented to our current operations.”

Fraternally & Sincerely,

--  Coach John S . Nagy
 
 
 

Grand Lodge Givin' the Bird... NOT!

Gobbler Gulch – In a long awaited, albeit “belated” for Thanksgiving, announcement made for the Grand Lodge by the Organization's Supreme Commander of Festivities, it was made quite clear that the society, known for its generosity, good will and charity, was continuing its long standing policy of not giving away any of its turkeys this Thanksgiving season. 

“We had to take a strong stand and not allow our much loved Craft turkeys to be subjected to any more basting than we ourselves would do to them,” said Grand Line officer Brother Chick N. Hider.  “After all, they're like family.”

The news was received badly and much to the chagrin of many of its outstanding and much involved members. “We can’t just sit still and allow so many of our turkeys to remain in safe harbor”, complained long time member Bro. Chop M. Wellman.  “We coddle them far too much and for far too long”. He shook his head and added, “And we do so in ways that prevent them from suffering what nature truly intended for them.”

Brother Char N. Smokem agreed and added, “These birds are definitely not part of our society, no matter how we want to label and treat them."  He continued, "They deserve a roasting befit them.  What's more, there are plenty of Brothers who would gladly volunteer to dress them down if given half the chance.”

“We could definitely afford to let go of a lot more turkeys than we do”, sneered one past master, who asked not to be identified. “The Craft suffers far too much for allowing so many of these Craft turkeys to go uncut for far too long.”

When asked if any changes to the Craft turkey policy should include additional considerations, Brother Burn Oinkment had this to say, “We considered swapping some of the Craft turkeys out with our lesser talented Craft hams in our holiday give away plans, but we honestly got overwhelmed by the sheer magnitude of possibilities.”

It was expressed by many of those present at the announcement that the Grand Lodge itself needs to step in and make a significant change to the society’s well-established turkey policies. 

Unfortunately, most of the Brothers who have already made earnest effort to do so where themselves summarily divested and in ways that not even turkeys should suffer. 

For more about this egregious turkey situation, please contact the appropriate parties and ask about “Turkeygate”.

Fraternally and Sincerely,

Brother John S. Nagy

 

Lodge Wars: Episodes XXXi through XXXvi

 

LODGE WARS!

 

 

 

 

DISCLAIMER: 

THIS IS ALLEGORY! 

ANY RESEMBLANCE TO ACTUAL HISTORICAL DRAMA IS SHEAR COINCIDENCE. 

AS WITH ALL ALLEGORY, THERE ARE LESSONS PRESENTED AND IT IS UP TO THE VIEWER TO LEARN FROM THEM. 

LET THE LEARNING BEGIN!

F&S,

Brother John S. Nagy

Masonic E.D.: Cure Found!

Flaccid Peaks UT – In an unusual twist to most Freemasonic communications, the Grand Lodge of Utah has announced today that it has discovered a cure for what is referred to as, “Masonic E.D.”, an embarrassing and rarely discussed condition found within far too many Freemasonic circles.  In a most unfortunate and painful revelation, the Grand Lodge’s Masonic E.D. was unzipped and put on display for public scrutiny by the Grand Lodge itself.

“Yes, we have indeed discovered a cure for this dreaded placid condition that has plagued the Craft from its inception”, stated Grand Lodge Spokesperson Imperial Potentate Eric Shun.  “It became unbelievably clear to us and hard to dispute once we began to examine the causes behind our Lodge’s Dysfunction over the last fifty plus years.  We were birthing fewer and fewer members during this time and the cause was staring us right in the face.”

As one disgusted Brother put it, “Part of the reason behind our reduction in membership is due to stiff competition from other organizations and distractions.  We’re simply not up to bringing new members in as we once did before.  Our Masonic E.D. has not helped in any of this.  It's effected the overall performance of every lodge suffering from it.”

“We need to bone up on[i] what we offer to our current members”, said one frustrated member.  “Masonic E.D. should be discussed openly by all members concerned about its effects upon all our Masonic building efforts.  After all, you’re not going to erect anything worthwhile without proper preparation.”

Regrettably, the cure for Masonic E.D. is not being embraced by many though.  Some find the pill hard to swallow.  Others read up on the cure, but are soon turned off by what is required to put it into play.   Still more have turned a blind eye to it claiming it somehow cheapens the Freemasonry they have come to know and love.

The results are a mixed blessing too. The few who have taken it have shown some outstanding results.  Unfortunately, such individuals are soon shunned by those exposed to their improved performance.  Some are even attacked because of it.

Some old timers were not impressed with the cure announcements. Past Master Worshipful Brother Baron Temples had this to say. “We never talked about these things in my day.  We just recited Ritual harder and longer and none of it was ever cut.” He took a deep breath and continued with, “We just kept going at it, day in and day out.  Eventually it produced the results we wanted.”  He added with a sigh, “These wussy millennials want a magic pill for everything.  If they can’t perform, it’s not the Lodge’s fault!  They need to Mason up and just learn to repeat things back without complaint or getting bored.”

In commemoration of the good news, the Grand Lodge has asked that all Lodge flags be flown at half staff on this date into perpetuity.

For more information on Masonic Educational Dysfunction (M.E.D.), please get a hold of a Brother who has worthwhile books and start reading and discussing what you read with Brothers not suffering from this unfortunate malady.

F&S,

Brother John S. Nagy

---

[i] http://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/70800.html

Major News Program to Explore Masonry’s Dark Underworld

New York City, NY – In an unusual investigatory twist, 6☉ Minutes[1], a seriously long running television journalism and exposé program has decided to explore the dark underbelly of the Fraternal Organization known as the “Society of Free & Accepted Masons”.

“Our main focus will be exposing the seedy side of Freemasonic activities at an organizational level”, said the show’s producer, Candied Cameron. “It’s clear from the tremendous fallout in membership over the last 50 years that something has changed within the organization and we aim to find out what it is”.  She added, “From all that we've gathered so far, we’re betting the root causes are in its informal operations”.

When asked what they have found so far through their diligent and highly controversial probing efforts, we received only sketchy almost cryptic comments and this from one of the investigators who would talk under the cloak of anonymity.  “We’ve found several things so far”, he said under low breath while looking around nervously. “There's the continuous and purposeful use of language and symbols to obscure and deliberately veil what is truly being stated.  These obfuscations were clearly evident.  A second was the incessant espousing of principles and tenets that are only practiced when others were deemed worthy of receiving them.”  He added a moment later, “We also found a lot of backroom dealings hidden from public view and even from other individuals who do not attend Regularly.” 

Another investigator, who too expressed a desire to remain anonymous, said that, “One very disturbing activity that never gets reported by main stream media is how this organization has faked each and every member’s death over the years.  What’s worse, they have done so on a Regular basis for nearly 300 years!”

One of the clerical staff, who chose to remain off camera, shared on the side that “there’s this really much uglier side that hasn't yet been reported upon.  The investigation committee has dubbed it ‘the degree & title pushers’ for now”, he said with a heavy sigh. “They’re active everywhere within the organization.  They approach extremely vulnerable and naïve candidates who don’t know any better and who have little to no experience in organization operations and in dealing with these most aggressive rogues.  They push these newbies toward more involved and higher degrees, other support organizations and volunteer positions that’ll distract them from the very Work for which they joined.” He took a deep breath and continued, “This'll have to wait though.  It's too involved so we’ve decided to use this information in our second report later this year.”

The program was scheduled to air this last fall but for some unknown reason it has been caught up in some unfortunate delays due to the faked deaths of some of the investigation committee members.

If you have information related to this investigation, please contact the 6☉ Minutes’ main office and let them know.

F&S,

Brother John S. Nagy

[1] Read as "Six Circumpunct Minutes" and not to be confused with "60 Minutes", another awesome yet highly underrated investigatory news program who employs similar techniques and insightful graphics.

Grand Lodge Burnout Response: “No” Training!

Innoway AK – In an effort to stem the tide of membership declines due to Freemasonic Burnout, also known as “Free-Burn”, the Grand Lodge of Alaska has come up with a suitably viable solution – No Training[1].

“It was a simple solution whose time has come”, said Lead Trainer Right Worshipful Brother Armin Sling  “We actually didn’t realize the great need to provide No Training for some time and only recently had enough members leave the organization due to Free-Burn to realize the need was there.  It's been our experience that situations just like these warrant action and No Training should be offered immediately.”

What exactly is “No Training” and what does offering No Training Options supposedly solve?

Brother Wok N. Circles had this to say, “The whole premise of offering this program is to make sure those who receive No Training know that they have No options to exercise when offered No Things that may conflict with No Training guidelines”, he looked at the puzzled look in the eyes of his audience’s and added, “Members who have No Training can then be able to exercise No Options especially when applicable.  No Training offers No Options to them.”

When Pressed for a more in-depth explanation, Brother Circles replied, "Listen, there's no training like No Training! and you have to experience No Training to get this.  At no time into the future is No Training not offered.  No Training is now our default standard offering. Those who do not accept our No Training option have no chance of No Success!  If you truly want No Success, then you must get No Training as soon as possible!
 
Not everyone at the press conference was happy to hear about No Training.  “We don’t need No Training” was all that could be heard from a group of Past Masters griping about the change being offered to the membership. One group member, Brother I. D. Askwasher added, “In my day, No Training didn’t exist and for No Reason too.  We didn’t dare bring it up ‘cause we knew to do so was an innovation”.  He stopped, spit some of his chew into a cup and let out a gurgling cough. “and ya’ll know how we feel about innovations”.

During a recently held press conference by the Grand Lodge it was made abundantly clear to No Member interested in No Training that they were to contact their local Lodge Secretary to make No Wishes known.

F&S,

Brother John S. Nagy

[1] "No Training", "no Training Options", "No Options" and "No Success" are registered trademarks of Grand-lodge Assistance Program (G.A.P.) USA.

Are You Free-Burn? GL has You Covered!

Burdenville VA – After much consideration and careful contemplation, the Grand Lodge of Virginia has admitted Freemasonic Burnout as an acceptable reason to be provided medical benefits and even admittance into the “Old Masons Home”.

“No one knows how many suffer from this condition, but it’s clear that we needed to do something”, disclosed Grand Master Cahn Cerndt. “The sheer magnitude of Brothers suffering from this malady warrants our taking necessary action on this extremely debilitating condition.”

Freemasonic Burnout, otherwise known as “Free-Burn[i]” by Freemasonic Recovery Groups and support circles, is a much observed but rarely discussed condition of many individuals who join and then get lost in the Craft. 

When asked how to determine if you are soon to be a victim of Free-Burn, commonly referred to as a “Free-Burn Mason”, Grand Lodge Staff Psychologist Right Worshipful Lowe S. Team shared the following list of symptoms members will show just prior to hitting a Free-Burn low:

1.      Deep seated feelings of guilt and anxiety mixed with overwhelming high amounts of excitement and anticipation about:

 

a.       memorizing Freemasonic things,

b.      joining Freemasonic appendent and auxiliary organizations, and

c.       supporting every possible Freemasonic activity and function offered, to the detriment of health, family, friends, vocation and avocations.

2.      An overwhelming degradation of one’s outside life activities and relationships as Freemasonic activities, events and social circles slowly encroach upon and eventually replace them.

3.      The inability to turn away from or turn down almost any and all opportunities offered, unless something outside the Craft interferes with it and cannot be overridden, dismissed or simply dropped.

4.      An inability to recognize, understand or even comprehend the need to engage in anything non-Masonic coupled with a trance-like hypnotic state when confronted with colorful aprons, fancy titles and shiny things.

Not all of the Grand Lodge’s members were in accord with this Grand Lodge Initiative.  “In my day, we’d man up and just continue doing what was needed till we were put into the grave”, said Past Master Brother Weges D. Nye under grumbling breath.  “These newbies are certified millennial wusses who need to grow a pair and just do what it takes.”

Brother Team said that there is a standing offer by the Organization’s Grand Lodge support staff to all current members who need help.  Please contact him at 1-888-MAN-UPNW if you or someone you know needs to get a life.

F&S,

Brother John S. Nagy

---

[i] Not to be confused with the urban dictionary “Freeburn” which is described as “A guy who is constantly at the scrounge. Will do anything for a freebie. Has zero morals and typically zero intelligence. “ http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=freeburn

 

Brothers Caught Up in Sting Operation

Honey Falls, NY – In efforts to bring forth more authentic immersion experiences for their incoming and attending Brothers, members of Holy Drone Lodge No. 6 opted to bring into its Master Mason Degree this last Thursday night, a fully functioning beehive.  Chaos was soon brought to Order.

“It was clearly not a well-thought out plan”, said EMT Keith B. Smart, a long time member of First Area Rescue Squad Enterprises and a ten year Freemason from another lodge.  “Not one member in attendance walked away without getting either stung or trampled in the effort to get out of the lodge” he said as he wiped some of the event’s sticky goo from his shoes. “It shows clearly that these performers have no practical experience when working with these wonderful animals.”

When asked about the planning committee’s judgment to proceed that evening, Worshipful Master Buzz Sweets responded with, “There’s stiff completion these days for membership and we’re trying really hard to make these events memorable to those who attend”.  He added, “and it doesn’t hurt our marketing efforts to have a buzz created when you want to have others speak about it.” 

One old timer, Sean M. Cummin, had this to say, “In my day, we would have pumped up the incense, fully filling the lodge, before we brought those buggers in”.  He shook his head with a sigh and added, “These newbies have got a lot of zeal, but they ain’t got much smarts. Everyone who’s actually done the Work knows ya hafta smoke ‘em if you’re going to work with them.  Otherwise you’re gonna get ‘em all riled up and you’re in for it then.”

When pressed further for his thoughts about the event's plans, Worshipful Sweets admitted that, “the committee did indeed need to comb through their plans more to work out any unnecessary bugs and to assure members didn’t get stuck somewhere in the middle of the performance”.

Please contact Lodge Secretary, Worshipful B. Keeper for information on the lodge's upcoming "Honey Bun” fundraiser event this next Saturday.

F&S,

Brother John S. Nagy

 

 

Grand Lodge AL Declares Open Season on Ruffians

Montgomery AL – In an effort to clear out the Rubbish from its Temple, the Grand Lodge of Alabama has declared open season on Ruffians.  The move is yet one more made by several Grand Lodges around the world and over the past few years to improve the quality of the Craft by reducing membership counts involving poor quality members.

When asked about the motives behind the move, Grand Master Art N. Cianse said, “Well, it should be obvious as to why we took this step in the right direction.  Good God!  Even our Ritual tells us how to deal with them!"  He took a deep breath and added, "But it took far too long a time for us to get around to doing it.”

When pressed further as to why this specific step was being taken and why now, Art replied, “Okay, Okay!  Let me put it kindly… we’re hearing terrible stuff from the Brothers, at least, from those not too dramatized to talk about it.  A whole lot of our members are being driven off by the Rubbish these rogues are throwing at them.” He paused and continued, “Seeing as there’s only one source of Rubbish that we know of, we’re aiming our sights quite literally on taking out the trash.  The fact that we're having some good old fashion Southern style fun at the same time is purely a way to increase the retention of who we truly want in the organization.”

You might ask: What does open season mean?

Right Worshipful Y. Dewy Bother seemed to have the skinny on the details.  “We’re real keen on having fun and most of us like hunting." He snickered and added, "We figured we'd kill two birds with one maul so to speak by allowing our Brothers to have a daily three bag limit on any Ruffians they can track down and…” he hesitated a little, looking for the politically correct words to express himself. “…well, let’s just say the rubbish will be removed from the Temple once this whole project gets underway.”

Worshipful Brother Bring M. Hoeme, a spokesman for the Grand Lodge welcoming committee said, “This will be a double boon for the fraternity.  The members we already have will no longer have to deal with the Trumpery these Ruffians pile and throw everywhere.  We will offer our newest members a discounted Grand Lodge Sanctioned Ruffian Hunting License incentive just for joining. Current members will get a two for one deal when they bring in candidates who want to participate.”

When old timer and Past Master Worshipful Brother Willy Listen was asked his thoughts on this, his only reply was, "I sure wish we had free license to do this in my day.  It would have made a world of difference for generations of men coming through."

For details on obtaining one of these Official Ruffian License, please contact your local Lodge Secretary.

F&S,

Brother John S. Nagy

PS -  If you're interested in a great Field Guide to the North American Ruffian, one that will show you how to identify them in their natural habitats, how to track them efficiently and deal with them more effectively, you can find it here.

 

 

Densest Element Added to Periodic Table

House of the Temple, Washington DC – In a Masonic first, researchers at a little known but highly active research facility located in the bunkers of the local “House of the Temple” have announced that they have discovered an unusual element that seems to defy the laws of physics.  The material, named Masteronium (M:.), is perhaps the most puzzling element known to man. 

Lead Researcher, Worshipful Bro. Addison Table, had this to say about the discovery, “It was the weirdest element we have ever investigated.  It’s virtually undetectable unless you place it in square enclosures, seal it off and stimulate it with cloth and shiny objects while repeating specific auditory level vibrations.”  He added, “Take the cloth and shiny objects away, stop the vibrations and remove it from the enclosure and it’s impossible to detect!”

When questioned further, another team member, Brother Juan Lineman had this to say, “We were almost ready to announce the discovery when one of our team detected even more bizarre attributes.  Seems the element tends to want to flow and form progressive lines when certain quantities of them are placed in these enclosures.”  He added, “ And their density noticeably increases the closer you get to the end of these lines.”

One older researcher, Right Worshipful Beater N. Meyeday, wasn’t too impressed with the find.  He had this to say, “This is nothing new.  This stuff has been around since time immemorial and these newbies think they found something new.”  He giggled and added, “These young'uns haven’t done anything Grand with them until they stack a whole bunch of these filled enclosures together and watch its density increase enough to form a black hole.” He sighed and finished with, “It’s the darnedest densest thing they'll ever see too.  Darn near impenetrable and immovable!”

The research team hasn’t been able to determine the atomic number to assign to the element, since the density vicissitudes wildly, depending upon how these elements are grouped together.  They suspect it may be somewhere close to 357 though, which will make it very difficult to place within the periodic table since it's nearly 3 magnitudes denser than the previously added elements.

One researcher, Brother Ian Gessing, claimed that “the element is unbelievably volatile, especially when dissimilar elements try to enter these enclosures once they have been closed off and cloth, shiny objects and sound have been added.”  He added, “Another mysterious aspect of the element is the denser it gets, the more it wants to rise up against the force of gravity.  We’re looking for ways to harness this quality but have yet to keep any of it stable enough to have any practical use.”

One research who asked to remain anonymous had this to say, “The others won’t tell you this because they want to figure out why before it’s reported." He paused, looked around and added, "There seems to be another element involved here that we've consistently found hidden in between the Masteronium.  We're calling it 'Pastmasteridium (Pm)' for now and we don't know if it's just another aspect phase of Masteronium or another yet undiscovered element.  It seems to mess with Masteronium in some truly spooky ways and has tremendous influence over how it behaves.”

He took a deep breath and continued, "Both elements seem to be most stable though when kept in the dark, but no one knows why just yet."

Further research is planned.  Stay tuned for further announcements about this most exciting discovery.

F&S,

Brother John S. Nagy