Satyre Point, FL – In an unprecedented scientific study of the Craft, Masonic Scientists have concluded that Climate Change is the cause of declining membership worldwide. Masonic experts from diverse fields came together recently for a Masonic Summit organized with the intent to discuss the epidemic problem that has plagued the Society for over half a century.
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| Figure 1 - Data Correlations |
Summit spokesman, Brother Sol Speaks, was
interviewed during the stormy summit and had these comments to share. “Since 1959, it is quite clear from the
collected data, the Craft has been losing more members than it can bring in.” He goes on to say that “Up until now, the
reasons behind this decline that were provided by some well-intentioned ad hoc
committees actually misled the Craft in making efforts to combat the losses.”
And Sol has good reason to say this. “We’ve mistakenly
focused on making things easier to join and to remain members. Lessening entrance requirements,
one-day-classes, and reduced proficiencies were tried. The results were catastrophic! Not only were these counter-productive, but they
actually undermined what we needed to continue.” (see Figure 1 - Data Correlations)
One of the adjunct consultants hired by Summit
organizers, meteorologist Heather Curl, had this to add. “When you run the numbers, it becomes obvious
from the plotted data that the rise in greenhouse gases coincides with the information
on membership losses. Without question,
the overlaid charts show a continuous and startling correlation between the
two.”
Another
Craft member, G.I. Tract Specialist and contributing summit speaker, Brother Colin
Bleau, furthered the insights into contributing factors. “We’ve actually caused it ourselves. The sheer volume of greenhouse gasses
generated by our well-known chili cook off fund raisers and baked bean style dinners
far exceeds anything with which the government has instruments to monitor. They can’t even begin to calculate the carbon
footprint that any one specific lodge contributes.” The specialist looked uncomfortable but continued,
“And therein lies part of the problem. We
can’t get funding for proper instrumentation to properly prepare our
investigation committees without having more cook offs.”
It was Brother Brad Scent that offered final committee recommendations at the end of
the summit that most upset many within the body of attending Brothers. “We must immediately tighten the emissions requirements
for incoming Brothers. This is undoubtedly
a good but difficult start, at least until this specific contributing factor is
contained.” He added, “In the meantime,
we recommend that all lodges immediately convert to using open flame tapers
within lodge to help counteract and stabilize the overwhelming emissions of
greenhouse gasses from already well-established members. We’re hoping this will lower the carbon
footprint of each lodge overall.”
And before he shared the following, he took a deep
breath and leaked this other insight under low breath. “We’re also hoping this
will be a positive change for our current membership and those who wish to come
back into the organization. You can
expect membership decline to stabilize and potentially reverse once the climate
changes within each Lodge stop shifting so dramatically from moment to moment.”
Some upset attending members where heard to say, “This
truly stinks. It's not how we handled
it in my year.” Although clearly within
earshot, no overheard complaining Brother
wanted to be quoted for the record or offer better solutions.
Those interested in helping support this initiative or
who find themselves fuming over this issue are asked to contact Brother Cainem
Realwell on what you can further do to more effectively deal with this growing
concern.
Respectfully, Fraternally and Sincerely (with deepest apologies
to that Past Bastard who inspired all this folly),
Coach John S. Nagy
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