A Brother Asks: Abating a Wife's Mistrust of The Craft

 

A Brother Asks:  Coach Nagy, about 3 years ago I had the pleasure of going through both the Entered Apprentice and Fellow-Craft degrees at my local Lodge. 

Coach: Congratulations!

Brother: Thanks! Unfortunately, my wife had friends and family who goaded her into believing unfounded conspiracy beliefs in regards to Freemasonry.  Their influence was profound.

Coach: I know such things can cause some unnecessary friction in relationships.  How did you handle this with your wife?

Brother: I made the decision to respect my wife's request to step away from Freemasonry. I did continue to try and discuss my membership with her.  I pointed out all the wonderful things Freemasons have done for our community, nation, and within the lives of fellow Brothers. But she is still dead-set against my involvement.

Coach: I'm very saddened to hear this. Did you cut off all of your Masonic pursuits?

Brother: No. That's not going to stop.  I still read about Masonry regularly.  I enjoy quite a few Masonic podcasts as well.  I even stay in touch with many on my Masonic Brothers from my lodge. I'm just not a member of the local Lodge.

Coach: I'm glad to know that you're continuing your connection and that you're still pursuing further Light, albeit, even though it's on the side.  No relationship should ever prevent a soul from what it desires when what that soul desires is good for it.

Brother: I agree.  And that's the issue.  I really would like to re-engage and complete my Master Mason degree and become active in my local Lodge.  I want to be with my Brothers.  But if I were to do any of this, I truly need to ensure my wife is supportive.

Coach: That's a wise condition!

Brother: Thanks.  I'm glad that you see this condition to be necessary. And that's the reason I approached you.  I need to know.  Are there resources you would recommend to help her see the truth about Freemasonry? Have you any advice?  I would be much appreciative if there is anything that you could share. 

Coach: Let me start by saying that there's a old saying, "A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still."  I say this because something crucial must be pointed out here.

Brother: What's that?

Coach: Either your wife trusts you; or she doesn't. And that trust is at the heart of her issue with you as a fellow human being and her partner in life. From what little you have shared, it's pretty clear that she would rather trust her friends and family of origin members than place genuine and unwavering trust in your ability to make the right decisions and choices on your own and for the best interests of your closest family - her. And, in this respect, it is a control issue between her and you, and in that specific order. 

So, I wish you the best in your situation as described. I wish there were better advice that I could offer. But there's an underlying issue that needs to be addressed before membership should be discussed.

There are no resources that I would ever recommend to anyone trying to help someone else see the truth, especially when the mistrusting individual's loyalty is not to the person sharing those resources.

Brother: Loyalty?

Coach: Yes, loyalty.  Please consider the following.  Rather than remain true to you and support your pursuits, she is harkening to voices that are outside her marriage to you; the owner of the one voice to which she should be most loyal.

Brother: Wow! That's a related issue that I had not thought about. Although, your words are hitting hard!

Coach: Loyalty and trust are not things that are often considered when the superficial issues are clouding one's thoughts.

Brother: Thank you for the honest response and wholeheartedly agree that these are issues. I very much appreciate you taking the time to respond.

Coach: You're most welcome. Thank you for reaching out and asking me for my best thoughts on this matter. You've honored me with your approach and I appreciate the trust that you have placed in me on this delicate issue.

 

I pray that the both of you can move past these issues and reestablish the trust and loyalty that a marriage should be founded upon.

A Brother Asks: What's up with Ghana?

A Brother Asks: Why are we getting so many requests from men in Ghana asking for help with joining Freemasonry ?

Coach: The reasons are quite simple and are alluded to by the very men who seek membership. 

One seeker conveys:

In Ghana it is very hard to join the great brotherhood. As the general rule goes like 2b1ask1, you can rarely see Freemasons. You can only reach them on the various platforms on social media but are not open. Please I may need a brother from the masonic lodges in Ghana...

This seeker put into words the underlying reasons why we are getting so many posts from men within this nation. 

What are those reasons? 

1. The perceived game of hide and seek going on and seekers believe that they should play along.
2. Men, the seekers,  within Ghana hear the unbelievable Ghana Freemasonry Mythos, get excited by it and want to join. 
3. Men who have joined, the hiders, are keeping to themselves and are doing so for a whole bunch of other perceived reasons, including and not limited to:

• keeping the "mythos", "mystic" and "mystery" intense
• knowing full well that being a member isn't all that the mythos portrays
• it's an "in the know" clique
• charging higher initiation fees and dues
• perceived "society favors and perks"
• perceived power and ego tripping

All this perceived holding back only drives the seekers to want to join even more, especially when they are being compelled by the belief that they will benefit only if they try harder to join.  This in turn drives members into keeping to themselves even more due to the perceived side perks.

Of course, the frenzy only escalates for those who get fixated upon becoming a member.  This is typically expressed in words conveyed by yet another seeker: 

...please help me, i'm determined to do anything that it might require to become a member...

And there's another perceived game, as is conveyed by yet another seeker, and it is quite crazy making:

...there are Masonic Lodges in Ghana according to what I read at www.Grandlodgeofghana.com. But the fact is none of the email addresses nor phone numbers of the mentioned Lodges are active... ...even their locations are not well known except the main one in Accra...  And even when you call or visit the main Hall you are told to get a Mason to introduce you.

And another conveyance from the same seeker:

...in Ghana, even when you go a Masonic Lodge for a petition you are told to go look for a member, befriend him to introduce you...

So, according to the first seeker, "2b1ask1".  But according to the second seeker, when you ask someone within the main organization or at an actual Freemasonic Lodge, who you would think are themselves members, "...you are asked to get a Mason to introduce you..."  or "...you are asked to go look for a member, befriend him to introduce you...", which is next to impossible to do when the very members that you are asking are telling you to seek elsewhere. 

It's insanity exemplified!  However, it is also evidence of some awesome word-of-mouth marketing techniques at play. 

 

Brother: So how do we help these membership seekers?

 

Coach:  The first thing to do is understand the insane games that are actually going on and the influence these perceived games have upon the seekers.

 

Brother: Then what?

 

Coach:  Then realize that you truly cannot help them in the way they are seeking you to help them.  The games that are actually going on are internal to the culture and, more specifically, the members within that area.  The seekers are making effort to circumvent the perceived games by going outside their cultural boxes in hope that outsiders can and will influence the perceived game going on toward each seeker's favor. 

 

My response to your last question is this, and I shall paraphrase our mythical Grand Master Hiram:   

Other than letting them know the nature of these perceived insane games and the actual games and how each is influenced by members within their area, we cannot; we should not; we will not get involved.  It's a waste of time for all involved.

Brother: So what do we say to them?

 

Coach: Communicate the actual game going on...

1. Seekers are required to find a member through non-organizational means or connections. 
• Members will not cooperate through these channels.
2. Once a member is found, seekers are to befriend them. 
• Members are not looking for more members.  They are looking for friends.
3. Once befriended, seekers are to invest time in building that friendship. 
• Members want to know that seekers are invested in the friendship and not the hopes of attaining membership.
4. Seekers should continually keep in mind that no one person outside that relationship is to influence it coming together or progressing forward. 
• Members are turned off by outside interference.  The friendship should be brought together and supported by the relationship between the two and separate from outside influences.  
5. Once built, seekers are to live on hope that members like them enough to support each seeker's efforts to join.
• Members are keenly aware that their membership status is a beacon for member-wannabes. Members detecting non-friendship motives for the relationship connection will likely continue to be friendly, but not likely friends.
6. Should seekers try to discuss becoming members before the approached members determine if the motives for joining are acceptable, the seekers shall most likely never be supported toward membership.
   • Once again, members are very keen on detecting motives that are outside those that should be influencing the relationship coming together and driving it  forward.

Brother: But, that game doesn't sound insane at all?

Coach: Yes.  It truly doesn't.

IMPORTANT UPDATE:  According to research done by a trusted Brother regarding obtaining membership in lodges that reside in and around Ghana, the following should be understood:

1. To obtain a petition from a lodge you want to join, you must be proposed by a member of that lodge.
2. To be proposed by a member of any lodge, that member must know, like and trust you.
3. To be known, liked and trusted by a member, you must first have an ongoing relationship with that member outside of your seeking membership.

RELATED POST:

 https://buildinghiram.blogspot.com/2017/06/help-aid-assist-distant-membership.html

F&S,

Brother Nagy

A Brother Asks: When Someone Posts Quoted Ritual?

OR: When you condemn something for being what you think is RITUAL and draw far more attention to it by your condemnation than what was posted!

A Brother Asks: Good Morning Coach.  What should a Brother do when another Brother quotes Ritual on line?
Coach: Great Question!  I’d make sure he’s actually quoting Ritual and not just putting something up that sounds like ritual.

REALITY CHECK

Brother: Whoa!  I had not thought about that!
Coach: Thought about what?
Brother: If what is quoted is actual Ritual.
Coach: Yes.  Many Brothers react rather than respond to things that look like quoted Ritual.
Brother: React rather than respond? What’s the difference?

REACT vs RESPOND

Coach: Reacting requires little to no thought about what you have before you and giving even less thought about what you do about it.
Brother: And responding?
Coach:  Responding requires you actually think deeply about what is before you and treat your next actions with equally deep thought.
Brother: Would you give an example of reacting please?

EXAMPLE

Coach: Sure. It’s when you quickly jump to conclusions about what you think you know about what you think you're seeing or what you think you're being asked. You cause more damage to relationships than you could ever begin to imagine by taking actions that are inappropriate to the real situation rather than the imagined one.
Brother: I mean a real life example.
Coach: Okay. Here’s a case in point.  A Brother quoted that we are first made Masons in our hearts.
Brother: But we are!
Coach: Perhaps, but he quoted it like it this was in Ritual.
Brother: Well, isn’t it?
Coach: It is not.
Brother: Wait!  I see this claim all the time and one Brother after another responds like it is in Ritual.
Coach: Yes. I have seen this as well.
Brother: Well, what do you do when you see this?
Coach: I let the Brother know that he is not quoting Ritual and recommend he investigate it further.

TWO PATHS

Brother: What happens next?
Coach: Usually one of two things.
Brother: The first?
Coach: He responds by saying he needs to look into it and he then goes away and investigates.
Brother: Then?
Coach: He eventually comes back, agrees with me and thanks me for giving him the incentive to explore the claim further.
Brother: Good times!
Coach: For sure!
Brother: What about the second?
Coach: He reacts by immediately disagreeing, sometimes officiously. He doesn’t investigate at all and then tries to bully me and others into accepting his claim, even though I and others know it’s false.
Brother: This reflects very poorly upon the Craft.
Coach: Indeed.  However, you’ll get this every time you advance anyone who doesn’t do even the bare minimum Work required to advance properly.
Brother: Can you provide another example, one more subtle and not so obvious?
Coach: Sure. At first glance a meme I posted recently*, one of many, appeared to be quoting Ritual. 
Brother: Yikes! Appeared to but it was not actually a real quote?
Coach: Exactly!  The operative phrase here is “appeared”.

APPEARANCES CAN BE DECEIVING

Brother: What happened?
Coach:  As you might have guessed, lots of reactions! 
Brother: I can imagine!
Coach: And at first glance, if you think it was quoting Ritual, you'll purposefully mislead yourself into thinking that it was, especially when you don't know your Ritual.
Brother: You mean, without actually comparing to Ritual what was quoted, you’ll jump to a false conclusion?
Coach: Yes! 
Brother: But what you are saying is that the meme that was posted was NOT quoting any Ritual on the face of this earth or any Ritual known to man?
Coach: Exactly!  In truth, the quote was made up to purposefully provoke deep thought about what Ritual was actually saying and doing so without actually quoting Ritual.
Brother: Are you saying that it was "f-a-b-r-i-c-a-t-e-d"!

CREATING OPPORTUNITIES TO THINK (or not)

Coach: Yes!  It was created to purposefully give the impression that it was quoting Ritual, even though it was not.
Brother: But if you know your Ritual, you’ll immediately spot this fabrication and recognize what the meme was really doing, or at least offering. 
Coach: Yes, you'll know the intent. However, if you truly do not know your Ritual, you’ll still believe it was quoting Ritual and jump to false conclusions.
Brother: Wouldn’t that make a jumper look foolish?
Coach: Yes. Well, at least in the eyes of those who know better.
Brother: Is this one of the reasons it is SO important to memorize your catechisms?
Coach:  Yes!  Memorization lays the foundation for knowing Ritual and it prevents you from being shown as foolish for assuming people are quoting Ritual, especially when they are not.
Brother: And when you don't know your Ritual, you'll jump to falsely supported conclusions that are embarrassingly wrong for and to all involved.
Coach: I agree!  When you don't know your Ritual, and think you do, you're compelled by a false notion that others are quoting Ritual, or anything that sounds like Ritual.  You'll take damaging action on wrong conclusions and do so in wrong directions. 

UGLY AFTERMATH

Brother: And you'll be an embarrassment to yourself, to others and to the Craft as a whole. 
Coach: Yes. Your actions will also destroy the trust of your Brothers and lead others to take damaging action that'll rip the very fabric of what makes this fraternity special.
Brother: Wow!  I can also see that you'll show yourself to be a person who doesn't think much about your Fraternity, especially when you make effort to correct a Brother in public, rather than private, as is the way of all Brothers who follow our principles.
Coach: Sadly, yes.  And the shame you bring about by your actions will be upon you and the Craft.
Brother: WOW!  Thinking twice before you take for granted what is being quoted in any meme and what is really being said or asked helps prevent misunderstandings is sure important. 
Coach:  Yes.  It’s important to understand that the first time you read the words within any meme may actually be right then and there, where it is posted for you to see.
Brother: Are you saying that you may likely NEVER have ever heard the meme's quoted phrase stated in Ritual or at any other time before that moment it was revealed to you?
Coach: That is exactly what I am saying.
Brother: Yikes! 
Coach: Yes, that’s a shocker for sure.
Brother: But if the meme did its job, got you to think, you might just pay closer attention the next time you do hear Ritual, especially the part you thought you heard, and remember it the right way and not the way the meme presented it.
Coach: One can only hope.
Brother: And hopefully, as a result, you'll also be less likely to embarrass yourself and your Brothers when you make effort to correct him for something he didn't do.
Coach: Yes.

BUT…

Brother: But what about when a Brother actually does quote Ritual?
Coach: Good! I’m glad you want us to tackle this part of your question.
Brother: Hey!  I am paying attention Coach!
Coach: Yes, you are. Kudos!
Brother: Thanks!  ...Well?
Coach: If they are actually quoting Ritual, there are a number of things you do NOT want to do, ever!
Brother: Like?
Coach: Like stating publically that a person is quoting Ritual!
Brother: But why the heck not? Isn’t it our duty to tell him or call him out on it?
Coach: It is our duty to inform him when we believe he is straying, but only after we have done our due diligences to assure we are not approaching him with righteous indignation that is misdirected and wholly unwarranted.
Brother: Okay, this goes back to responding rather than reacting.
Coach: Yes.  And furthermore, you want to do this in private, out of ear and eye shot of the public to make sure that you give your brother every opportunity to understand why you are approaching him and to verify your suspicions. 
Brother: But that would mean you’d have to actually practice the principles of Freemasonry.
Coach: What good are these principles if you only give them lip-service and not apply them in your daily dealings, especially when it comes to possibly accusing your Brother of something you misunderstood?
Brother: Okay. I see your point. 
Coach: Good!

WRAP-UP

Brother: So, one of the things you don’t want to do is publically confront or accuse. Got it!
Coach: Yes... and?
Brother: And the other thing you don’t want to do is not practice Fraternal principles when you are doing your due diligence.  Sure!  Whisper counsel, but before you do, make sure it applies!
Coach: Exactly! 
Brother: Anything else?
Coach: Yes, if he is actually quoting Ritual, don’t assume the Ritual he is quoting is your Ritual.
Brother: Huh?
Coach: There’s a high probability that your Brother is not doing anything wrong and that what is being quoted may actually be Ritual used by a jurisdiction that is publically open about its Ritual or part of an unused Ritual that is in the public domain.
Brother: Wait! What?
Coach: Yes, there are Rituals throughout the world that are printed in total, (except for specific words).
Brother: Really?
Coach: Yes. And there are a whole bunch of Rituals that are in the public domain that are not used in recognized jurisdictions.
Brother: You mean that they’re obsolete?
Coach: Yes.
Brother: So, quoting things that are Ritual like, from already in print Rituals and unused Rituals is fair game?
Coach: Yes. The first is not quoting Ritual. The second is quoting something that is allowed to be quoted since it is both not a secret and publically accessible. The last is quoting something that is publically accessible, no longer in use and not secret.
Brother: What about discussing it?
Coach: Discussions that don’t reveal any secrets are fair game too. 
Brother: And the things you want to do here when you are still driven to approach a posting Brother on a concern?
Coach: Research, investigate, do your due diligence and make sure you approach the Brother in private so that you understand fully rather than assume and accuse in ignorance.
Brother: Anything more?

IRONIC SECRETS

Coach: Yes.  When Brothers take what is posted into the realm of actually discussing secrets, in your view, caution them in private.
Brother: You mean, don’t post on the thread conversation words that say to the world, “you are discussing secrets” or “you’re quoting Ritual”.
Coach: Exactly! Doing so draws the very undue attention about which you’re cautioning your Brothers.
Brother: In other words, in trying to warn your Brothers about violating their obligations, you’re violating your obligations.
Coach: Yes.  An ironic twist in results that those who are doing the warning never realize that they are themselves doing by pointing things out publically.
Brother: Can you provide an example?
Coach: Sure. I posted a title of a book years ago. And some well-meaning Brother pointed out immediately that I was posting one of our secret words, that I should never write that word and that I was violating my obligation.
Brother: Yes, I can see the irony in this.
Coach: Good!  Unfortunately, he didn't and had he just not said anything that posted book title would have gone totally unnoticed by anyone who didn’t know the connection.
Brother: But he pointed it out, stated the connection and anyone reading the thread who didn’t know, was therefore informed about something they would have not known had he simply remained quiet.
Coach: Yes. Some well-meaning Brothers are worse enemies to the Craft than anti-masons.
Brother: And they take these damaging actions all in the name of virtuously protecting the honor of the Craft.
Coach: Ironic, isn’t it?
Brother: Yes.

WHAT IFS

Coach: So, let’s get back to your question.
Brother: Okay.
Coach: What should you do when things are being quoted that are suspiciously ritualistic in nature.
Brother: Don’t react!
Coach: Yeah, that’s a good start.
Brother: Think it through.
Coach: Yes! 
Brother: Make sure it’s actually Ritual that is protected and not something that only sounds like Ritual, is not protected in other jurisdictions or not some unused public domain Ritual that has nothing to do with your Ritual.
Coach: Yes!
Brother: If I feel what is being shared warrants actions, approach the poster, if he is a Brother, through any private means possible first, and, if it’s impossible to do so directly, try to get a trusted close Brother to do the same through private means.
Coach: And what if the poster is not a Brother?
Brother: Ignore it and move on.
Coach: Why?
Brother: Because it is being posted by a profane individual and that does not warrant further action, unless it is your thread.
Coach: What if it is on your thread?
Brother: I'd have to think about it... I would probably delete it and block the individual as a Cowan or Eavesdropper, especially when what is being put forth is an attempt to stir the pot and gather undeserved Light.

DON'T MAKE THINGS WORSE

Coach: That makes sense. But what if it is a Brother who is posting?
Brother: If I have exhausted all private means, I'd approach the Brother directly in the post and ask him to contact me for a private discussion, giving him every chance to do so in a considerate and timely manner.
Coach: And if all avenues are closed to this?
Brother: Don't post anything more...
Coach: Like?
Brother: Like "I'm uncomfortable discussing...", "We shouldn't be discussing..." or "Remember your obligation..."
Coach: Why?
Brother: Because doing so may lead profane readers to conclusions about what was posted we don't want them to have.
Coach: Agree! And your next move?
Brother: Just that... ...move on and turn it over to someone who may have more success with him.
Coach: Why?
Brother: Because making a public scene does far more damage to the Craft than what was posted.
Coach: Agreed. 
Brother: Good Lord! This is some heavy stuff!
Coach: Indeed!  It separates out the Masters from the Ruffians for sure.
Brother: Agreed!

 

* UPDATE: A meme that I reposted 4 years later with similar results. Some things never change.