Masonic E.D.: Cure Found!

Flaccid Peaks UT – In an unusual twist to most Freemasonic communications, the Grand Lodge of Utah has announced today that it has discovered a cure for what is referred to as, “Masonic E.D.”, an embarrassing and rarely discussed condition found within far too many Freemasonic circles.  In a most unfortunate and painful revelation, the Grand Lodge’s Masonic E.D. was unzipped and put on display for public scrutiny by the Grand Lodge itself.

“Yes, we have indeed discovered a cure for this dreaded placid condition that has plagued the Craft from its inception”, stated Grand Lodge Spokesperson Imperial Potentate Eric Shun.  “It became unbelievably clear to us and hard to dispute once we began to examine the causes behind our Lodge’s Dysfunction over the last fifty plus years.  We were birthing fewer and fewer members during this time and the cause was staring us right in the face.”

As one disgusted Brother put it, “Part of the reason behind our reduction in membership is due to stiff competition from other organizations and distractions.  We’re simply not up to bringing new members in as we once did before.  Our Masonic E.D. has not helped in any of this.  It's effected the overall performance of every lodge suffering from it.”

“We need to bone up on[i] what we offer to our current members”, said one frustrated member.  “Masonic E.D. should be discussed openly by all members concerned about its effects upon all our Masonic building efforts.  After all, you’re not going to erect anything worthwhile without proper preparation.”

Regrettably, the cure for Masonic E.D. is not being embraced by many though.  Some find the pill hard to swallow.  Others read up on the cure, but are soon turned off by what is required to put it into play.   Still more have turned a blind eye to it claiming it somehow cheapens the Freemasonry they have come to know and love.

The results are a mixed blessing too. The few who have taken it have shown some outstanding results.  Unfortunately, such individuals are soon shunned by those exposed to their improved performance.  Some are even attacked because of it.

Some old timers were not impressed with the cure announcements. Past Master Worshipful Brother Baron Temples had this to say. “We never talked about these things in my day.  We just recited Ritual harder and longer and none of it was ever cut.” He took a deep breath and continued with, “We just kept going at it, day in and day out.  Eventually it produced the results we wanted.”  He added with a sigh, “These wussy millennials want a magic pill for everything.  If they can’t perform, it’s not the Lodge’s fault!  They need to Mason up and just learn to repeat things back without complaint or getting bored.”

In commemoration of the good news, the Grand Lodge has asked that all Lodge flags be flown at half staff on this date into perpetuity.

For more information on Masonic Educational Dysfunction (M.E.D.), please get a hold of a Brother who has worthwhile books and start reading and discussing what you read with Brothers not suffering from this unfortunate malady.

F&S,

Brother John S. Nagy

---

[i] http://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/70800.html

Major News Program to Explore Masonry’s Dark Underworld

New York City, NY – In an unusual investigatory twist, 6☉ Minutes[1], a seriously long running television journalism and exposé program has decided to explore the dark underbelly of the Fraternal Organization known as the “Society of Free & Accepted Masons”.

“Our main focus will be exposing the seedy side of Freemasonic activities at an organizational level”, said the show’s producer, Candied Cameron. “It’s clear from the tremendous fallout in membership over the last 50 years that something has changed within the organization and we aim to find out what it is”.  She added, “From all that we've gathered so far, we’re betting the root causes are in its informal operations”.

When asked what they have found so far through their diligent and highly controversial probing efforts, we received only sketchy almost cryptic comments and this from one of the investigators who would talk under the cloak of anonymity.  “We’ve found several things so far”, he said under low breath while looking around nervously. “There's the continuous and purposeful use of language and symbols to obscure and deliberately veil what is truly being stated.  These obfuscations were clearly evident.  A second was the incessant espousing of principles and tenets that are only practiced when others were deemed worthy of receiving them.”  He added a moment later, “We also found a lot of backroom dealings hidden from public view and even from other individuals who do not attend Regularly.” 

Another investigator, who too expressed a desire to remain anonymous, said that, “One very disturbing activity that never gets reported by main stream media is how this organization has faked each and every member’s death over the years.  What’s worse, they have done so on a Regular basis for nearly 300 years!”

One of the clerical staff, who chose to remain off camera, shared on the side that “there’s this really much uglier side that hasn't yet been reported upon.  The investigation committee has dubbed it ‘the degree & title pushers’ for now”, he said with a heavy sigh. “They’re active everywhere within the organization.  They approach extremely vulnerable and naïve candidates who don’t know any better and who have little to no experience in organization operations and in dealing with these most aggressive rogues.  They push these newbies toward more involved and higher degrees, other support organizations and volunteer positions that’ll distract them from the very Work for which they joined.” He took a deep breath and continued, “This'll have to wait though.  It's too involved so we’ve decided to use this information in our second report later this year.”

The program was scheduled to air this last fall but for some unknown reason it has been caught up in some unfortunate delays due to the faked deaths of some of the investigation committee members.

If you have information related to this investigation, please contact the 6☉ Minutes’ main office and let them know.

F&S,

Brother John S. Nagy

[1] Read as "Six Circumpunct Minutes" and not to be confused with "60 Minutes", another awesome yet highly underrated investigatory news program who employs similar techniques and insightful graphics.

Grand Lodge Burnout Response: “No” Training!

Innoway AK – In an effort to stem the tide of membership declines due to Freemasonic Burnout, also known as “Free-Burn”, the Grand Lodge of Alaska has come up with a suitably viable solution – No Training[1].

“It was a simple solution whose time has come”, said Lead Trainer Right Worshipful Brother Armin Sling  “We actually didn’t realize the great need to provide No Training for some time and only recently had enough members leave the organization due to Free-Burn to realize the need was there.  It's been our experience that situations just like these warrant action and No Training should be offered immediately.”

What exactly is “No Training” and what does offering No Training Options supposedly solve?

Brother Wok N. Circles had this to say, “The whole premise of offering this program is to make sure those who receive No Training know that they have No options to exercise when offered No Things that may conflict with No Training guidelines”, he looked at the puzzled look in the eyes of his audience’s and added, “Members who have No Training can then be able to exercise No Options especially when applicable.  No Training offers No Options to them.”

When Pressed for a more in-depth explanation, Brother Circles replied, "Listen, there's no training like No Training! and you have to experience No Training to get this.  At no time into the future is No Training not offered.  No Training is now our default standard offering. Those who do not accept our No Training option have no chance of No Success!  If you truly want No Success, then you must get No Training as soon as possible!
 
Not everyone at the press conference was happy to hear about No Training.  “We don’t need No Training” was all that could be heard from a group of Past Masters griping about the change being offered to the membership. One group member, Brother I. D. Askwasher added, “In my day, No Training didn’t exist and for No Reason too.  We didn’t dare bring it up ‘cause we knew to do so was an innovation”.  He stopped, spit some of his chew into a cup and let out a gurgling cough. “and ya’ll know how we feel about innovations”.

During a recently held press conference by the Grand Lodge it was made abundantly clear to No Member interested in No Training that they were to contact their local Lodge Secretary to make No Wishes known.

F&S,

Brother John S. Nagy

[1] "No Training", "no Training Options", "No Options" and "No Success" are registered trademarks of Grand-lodge Assistance Program (G.A.P.) USA.