Grand Lodge Innovation Solves Problem Plaguing Craft

 



Freemasonic Beehive



Buttsworth Vermont – In an unprecedented move unheard of throughout any recorded Freemasonic history, a Grand Lodge has made an innovation to the Craft that shall impact Freemasonry long into its future. 

Grand Lodge spokesman, Hiram Boca had this to say, “The problem has been growing since the decline in attendance that occurred shortly after the membership peak in 1959.  With attrition taking a toll on meeting attendance, it was clear from even a cursory view that we were not having an impact on solving this problem through any corrective action we have taken so far.”

What’s the problem you might ask?  Seeking to interview some objective observers, the Grand Lodge sought out non-members who support the organization.  They came across Constance Whiner, a member of an auxiliary Freemasonic organization, to provide an outsider' view.  According to Grand Lodge sources, she had this to say, “Oh dear!  It’s truly not my place to make comment on the goings on behind that huge guarded door. But I can tell you there’s a lot of complaining from the old timers coming out of meetings who shake their heads complaining about empty seats needing to be filled.   I can only imagine that they see this as a problem.”

And she appears to be in sync with what the Grand Lodge found coming from interviews with actual members.  According to their research, without fail, each member they interviewed focused on the same issue, “Empty Seat and how to fill them”. 

With volumes of growing evidence provided to them by the secretaries of each lodge within their jurisdiction, it was clear that the attendance numbers have declined since 1959 and that seats not being filled by members are at an all time high. 

And according to the Grand Lodge, Lodge secretaries are extremely frustrated with this.  “We simply don’t have enough members attending to fill the chairs and the problem is getting worse each year!” exclaimed lodge secretary Brig M. Inn. “No matter how many letters we send out, phone calls we make or verbal pleas we make to those who do attend, the empty seat numbers continue to mount.  Obviously we need to send more letters, make more calls and convince those who do attend to get out there to talk to those members who don’t attend or even approach past members and ask them to rejoin!”

With all the data coming in, the Grand Lodge decided it was time to do something that was not done before in anyone else's year.  They decided to reexamine the problem to see if it truly was a problem.  Their conclusions were shocking!

The first and most important of their conclusions was that the “empty seats”, so commonly focused upon and pointed out by whining members, was not really a problem. 
 
What was the actual problem? 
 
Grand Master Most Worshipful Brother Kean N. Cite had this to say, “We found that the overwhelming problem existing in almost every single one of our lodges was that there were far too many chairs provided that were not required for any proper functioning lodge."  He continued,  "With the reduction in membership, the continual and unnecessary inclusion of far too many chairs actually took away from the intimacy and fellowship that should occur had the distances between Brothers attending been reduced in tandem with reduced membership." He hung his head and said with an embarrassing tone, "They actually got in the way and distracted us from doing the work we need to be focusing upon when we come together.”

What was the innovative solution provided by the Grand Lodge?  Remove the unoccupied chairs, reduce the distances between the remaining chairs and enjoy the closeness that Brothers should have been enjoying all along.

Most Worshipful Brother Kean had this to add, “Implementation of this solution has already transformed many of our lodges toward the better.  We see more fellowship, less complaining and a whole heck of a lot more positive communications coming from attended meetings.  Brothers are actually enjoying the change." 
 
He smiled and then shared this with excitement, "Many of the Lodges have even downsized their meeting spaces, reduced overhead and the stresses that come from being burdened by the decisions of previous generations.  We certainly look forward to even more positive outcomes as a result of this innovation being implemented to our current operations.”

Fraternally & Sincerely,

--  Coach John S . Nagy
 
 
 

Grand Lodge Givin' the Bird... NOT!

Gobbler Gulch – In a long awaited, albeit “belated” for Thanksgiving, announcement made for the Grand Lodge by the Organization's Supreme Commander of Festivities, it was made quite clear that the society, known for its generosity, good will and charity, was continuing its long standing policy of not giving away any of its turkeys this Thanksgiving season. 

“We had to take a strong stand and not allow our much loved Craft turkeys to be subjected to any more basting than we ourselves would do to them,” said Grand Line officer Brother Chick N. Hider.  “After all, they're like family.”

The news was received badly and much to the chagrin of many of its outstanding and much involved members. “We can’t just sit still and allow so many of our turkeys to remain in safe harbor”, complained long time member Bro. Chop M. Wellman.  “We coddle them far too much and for far too long”. He shook his head and added, “And we do so in ways that prevent them from suffering what nature truly intended for them.”

Brother Char N. Smokem agreed and added, “These birds are definitely not part of our society, no matter how we want to label and treat them."  He continued, "They deserve a roasting befit them.  What's more, there are plenty of Brothers who would gladly volunteer to dress them down if given half the chance.”

“We could definitely afford to let go of a lot more turkeys than we do”, sneered one past master, who asked not to be identified. “The Craft suffers far too much for allowing so many of these Craft turkeys to go uncut for far too long.”

When asked if any changes to the Craft turkey policy should include additional considerations, Brother Burn Oinkment had this to say, “We considered swapping some of the Craft turkeys out with our lesser talented Craft hams in our holiday give away plans, but we honestly got overwhelmed by the sheer magnitude of possibilities.”

It was expressed by many of those present at the announcement that the Grand Lodge itself needs to step in and make a significant change to the society’s well-established turkey policies. 

Unfortunately, most of the Brothers who have already made earnest effort to do so where themselves summarily divested and in ways that not even turkeys should suffer. 

For more about this egregious turkey situation, please contact the appropriate parties and ask about “Turkeygate”.

Fraternally and Sincerely,

Brother John S. Nagy

 

Lodge Wars: Episodes XXXi through XXXvi

 

LODGE WARS!

 

 

 

 

DISCLAIMER: 

THIS IS ALLEGORY! 

ANY RESEMBLANCE TO ACTUAL HISTORICAL DRAMA IS SHEAR COINCIDENCE. 

AS WITH ALL ALLEGORY, THERE ARE LESSONS PRESENTED AND IT IS UP TO THE VIEWER TO LEARN FROM THEM. 

LET THE LEARNING BEGIN!

F&S,

Brother John S. Nagy

Masonic E.D.: Cure Found!

Flaccid Peaks UT – In an unusual twist to most Freemasonic communications, the Grand Lodge of Utah has announced today that it has discovered a cure for what is referred to as, “Masonic E.D.”, an embarrassing and rarely discussed condition found within far too many Freemasonic circles.  In a most unfortunate and painful revelation, the Grand Lodge’s Masonic E.D. was unzipped and put on display for public scrutiny by the Grand Lodge itself.

“Yes, we have indeed discovered a cure for this dreaded placid condition that has plagued the Craft from its inception”, stated Grand Lodge Spokesperson Imperial Potentate Eric Shun.  “It became unbelievably clear to us and hard to dispute once we began to examine the causes behind our Lodge’s Dysfunction over the last fifty plus years.  We were birthing fewer and fewer members during this time and the cause was staring us right in the face.”

As one disgusted Brother put it, “Part of the reason behind our reduction in membership is due to stiff competition from other organizations and distractions.  We’re simply not up to bringing new members in as we once did before.  Our Masonic E.D. has not helped in any of this.  It's effected the overall performance of every lodge suffering from it.”

“We need to bone up on[i] what we offer to our current members”, said one frustrated member.  “Masonic E.D. should be discussed openly by all members concerned about its effects upon all our Masonic building efforts.  After all, you’re not going to erect anything worthwhile without proper preparation.”

Regrettably, the cure for Masonic E.D. is not being embraced by many though.  Some find the pill hard to swallow.  Others read up on the cure, but are soon turned off by what is required to put it into play.   Still more have turned a blind eye to it claiming it somehow cheapens the Freemasonry they have come to know and love.

The results are a mixed blessing too. The few who have taken it have shown some outstanding results.  Unfortunately, such individuals are soon shunned by those exposed to their improved performance.  Some are even attacked because of it.

Some old timers were not impressed with the cure announcements. Past Master Worshipful Brother Baron Temples had this to say. “We never talked about these things in my day.  We just recited Ritual harder and longer and none of it was ever cut.” He took a deep breath and continued with, “We just kept going at it, day in and day out.  Eventually it produced the results we wanted.”  He added with a sigh, “These wussy millennials want a magic pill for everything.  If they can’t perform, it’s not the Lodge’s fault!  They need to Mason up and just learn to repeat things back without complaint or getting bored.”

In commemoration of the good news, the Grand Lodge has asked that all Lodge flags be flown at half staff on this date into perpetuity.

For more information on Masonic Educational Dysfunction (M.E.D.), please get a hold of a Brother who has worthwhile books and start reading and discussing what you read with Brothers not suffering from this unfortunate malady.

F&S,

Brother John S. Nagy

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[i] http://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/70800.html

Major News Program to Explore Masonry’s Dark Underworld

New York City, NY – In an unusual investigatory twist, 6☉ Minutes[1], a seriously long running television journalism and exposé program has decided to explore the dark underbelly of the Fraternal Organization known as the “Society of Free & Accepted Masons”.

“Our main focus will be exposing the seedy side of Freemasonic activities at an organizational level”, said the show’s producer, Candied Cameron. “It’s clear from the tremendous fallout in membership over the last 50 years that something has changed within the organization and we aim to find out what it is”.  She added, “From all that we've gathered so far, we’re betting the root causes are in its informal operations”.

When asked what they have found so far through their diligent and highly controversial probing efforts, we received only sketchy almost cryptic comments and this from one of the investigators who would talk under the cloak of anonymity.  “We’ve found several things so far”, he said under low breath while looking around nervously. “There's the continuous and purposeful use of language and symbols to obscure and deliberately veil what is truly being stated.  These obfuscations were clearly evident.  A second was the incessant espousing of principles and tenets that are only practiced when others were deemed worthy of receiving them.”  He added a moment later, “We also found a lot of backroom dealings hidden from public view and even from other individuals who do not attend Regularly.” 

Another investigator, who too expressed a desire to remain anonymous, said that, “One very disturbing activity that never gets reported by main stream media is how this organization has faked each and every member’s death over the years.  What’s worse, they have done so on a Regular basis for nearly 300 years!”

One of the clerical staff, who chose to remain off camera, shared on the side that “there’s this really much uglier side that hasn't yet been reported upon.  The investigation committee has dubbed it ‘the degree & title pushers’ for now”, he said with a heavy sigh. “They’re active everywhere within the organization.  They approach extremely vulnerable and naïve candidates who don’t know any better and who have little to no experience in organization operations and in dealing with these most aggressive rogues.  They push these newbies toward more involved and higher degrees, other support organizations and volunteer positions that’ll distract them from the very Work for which they joined.” He took a deep breath and continued, “This'll have to wait though.  It's too involved so we’ve decided to use this information in our second report later this year.”

The program was scheduled to air this last fall but for some unknown reason it has been caught up in some unfortunate delays due to the faked deaths of some of the investigation committee members.

If you have information related to this investigation, please contact the 6☉ Minutes’ main office and let them know.

F&S,

Brother John S. Nagy

[1] Read as "Six Circumpunct Minutes" and not to be confused with "60 Minutes", another awesome yet highly underrated investigatory news program who employs similar techniques and insightful graphics.

Grand Lodge Burnout Response: “No” Training!

Innoway AK – In an effort to stem the tide of membership declines due to Freemasonic Burnout, also known as “Free-Burn”, the Grand Lodge of Alaska has come up with a suitably viable solution – No Training[1].

“It was a simple solution whose time has come”, said Lead Trainer Right Worshipful Brother Armin Sling  “We actually didn’t realize the great need to provide No Training for some time and only recently had enough members leave the organization due to Free-Burn to realize the need was there.  It's been our experience that situations just like these warrant action and No Training should be offered immediately.”

What exactly is “No Training” and what does offering No Training Options supposedly solve?

Brother Wok N. Circles had this to say, “The whole premise of offering this program is to make sure those who receive No Training know that they have No options to exercise when offered No Things that may conflict with No Training guidelines”, he looked at the puzzled look in the eyes of his audience’s and added, “Members who have No Training can then be able to exercise No Options especially when applicable.  No Training offers No Options to them.”

When Pressed for a more in-depth explanation, Brother Circles replied, "Listen, there's no training like No Training! and you have to experience No Training to get this.  At no time into the future is No Training not offered.  No Training is now our default standard offering. Those who do not accept our No Training option have no chance of No Success!  If you truly want No Success, then you must get No Training as soon as possible!
 
Not everyone at the press conference was happy to hear about No Training.  “We don’t need No Training” was all that could be heard from a group of Past Masters griping about the change being offered to the membership. One group member, Brother I. D. Askwasher added, “In my day, No Training didn’t exist and for No Reason too.  We didn’t dare bring it up ‘cause we knew to do so was an innovation”.  He stopped, spit some of his chew into a cup and let out a gurgling cough. “and ya’ll know how we feel about innovations”.

During a recently held press conference by the Grand Lodge it was made abundantly clear to No Member interested in No Training that they were to contact their local Lodge Secretary to make No Wishes known.

F&S,

Brother John S. Nagy

[1] "No Training", "no Training Options", "No Options" and "No Success" are registered trademarks of Grand-lodge Assistance Program (G.A.P.) USA.

Are You Free-Burn? GL has You Covered!

Burdenville VA – After much consideration and careful contemplation, the Grand Lodge of Virginia has admitted Freemasonic Burnout as an acceptable reason to be provided medical benefits and even admittance into the “Old Masons Home”.

“No one knows how many suffer from this condition, but it’s clear that we needed to do something”, disclosed Grand Master Cahn Cerndt. “The sheer magnitude of Brothers suffering from this malady warrants our taking necessary action on this extremely debilitating condition.”

Freemasonic Burnout, otherwise known as “Free-Burn[i]” by Freemasonic Recovery Groups and support circles, is a much observed but rarely discussed condition of many individuals who join and then get lost in the Craft. 

When asked how to determine if you are soon to be a victim of Free-Burn, commonly referred to as a “Free-Burn Mason”, Grand Lodge Staff Psychologist Right Worshipful Lowe S. Team shared the following list of symptoms members will show just prior to hitting a Free-Burn low:

1.      Deep seated feelings of guilt and anxiety mixed with overwhelming high amounts of excitement and anticipation about:

 

a.       memorizing Freemasonic things,

b.      joining Freemasonic appendent and auxiliary organizations, and

c.       supporting every possible Freemasonic activity and function offered, to the detriment of health, family, friends, vocation and avocations.

2.      An overwhelming degradation of one’s outside life activities and relationships as Freemasonic activities, events and social circles slowly encroach upon and eventually replace them.

3.      The inability to turn away from or turn down almost any and all opportunities offered, unless something outside the Craft interferes with it and cannot be overridden, dismissed or simply dropped.

4.      An inability to recognize, understand or even comprehend the need to engage in anything non-Masonic coupled with a trance-like hypnotic state when confronted with colorful aprons, fancy titles and shiny things.

Not all of the Grand Lodge’s members were in accord with this Grand Lodge Initiative.  “In my day, we’d man up and just continue doing what was needed till we were put into the grave”, said Past Master Brother Weges D. Nye under grumbling breath.  “These newbies are certified millennial wusses who need to grow a pair and just do what it takes.”

Brother Team said that there is a standing offer by the Organization’s Grand Lodge support staff to all current members who need help.  Please contact him at 1-888-MAN-UPNW if you or someone you know needs to get a life.

F&S,

Brother John S. Nagy

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[i] Not to be confused with the urban dictionary “Freeburn” which is described as “A guy who is constantly at the scrounge. Will do anything for a freebie. Has zero morals and typically zero intelligence. “ http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=freeburn

 

Excerpt from: The Master’s New Works*

Excerpt from: The Master’s New Works*

…
The noble supporters who were to carry his works stooped low and reached for the floor as if they were picking up his efforts. Then they pretended ever so gallantly to lift and hold them high for all to see. They didn't dare admit they had nothing to hold. That would show them and their efforts for what they were.

So off went the Master in procession under his splendid canopy. Everyone in the lodge and the anti-rooms said, "Oh, how fine are the Master’s new works! Don't they complement him to perfection? And see his completed undertakings!"

Nobody would dare confess that he couldn't see anything, for that would prove him either unfit for his position, or a fool.

So they shouted in unison, "No work the Master had done before was ever such a complete success as these".
 
"But he hasn't done anything", a young Brother said.
 
"Did you ever hear such innocent prattle?" said his mentor. And one Brother whispered to another what the young Brother had said, "He hasn't anything done. A young Brother says the Master hasn't anything done."
 
"But he hasn't anything done!" the whole Lodge cried out at last.
 
The Master shivered, for he knew they were right. But he thought, "This procession has got to go on." So he walked more proudly than ever, as his noble supporters held high the works that weren’t there at all.
...

F&S,

Brother John S Nagy 

 * With MAJOR and SINCERE Apologies to Hans Christian Andersen